Welcome to part six of the series on how to implement the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People in a Getting Things Done-style system. This series of posts will guide you through the stages of personal implementation over several weeks. This will give you a chance to focus on each new habit in your life for one full week before beginning the next one.

Some of you may not have read Stephen Covey’s landmark book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, therefore here is a brief synopsis of the fifth habit:

Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood Covey warns that giving out advice before having empathetically understood a person and their situation will likely result in rejection of that advice. In order to participate in communication fully, one should be sure to understand the speaker by asking questions and then replying in a way that lets the listener know that you understand the situation.

Habit V - Seek First to Understand, then to Be Understood

Stephen Covey’s description of the Fifth Habit of Highly Effective People is based on two important concepts:

1. The first three Habits are “Private Victories”, the building blocks of personal growth and development. Being proactive in your environment, practicing the skill of visualizing results, and focusing on the things that are truly important are the core goals of self-mastery. The fifth Habit is second in the list of “Public Victories”, a set of interpersonal skills that enhance communication and interdependence. It is absolutely imperative that you have established your own personal principles before you begin to listen with empathy and take on the deep understanding of those that you communicate with.
2. Seeking understanding is a two-way street that relies on the ability of each listener to ‘actively listen’ and get into the need behind the need in the conversation.

Generally speaking, our first impulse in communicationis to make sure that we have been understood. Especially as managers and leaders and parents, we often give instruction to others. While this sort of directed communication is important, it is not the only way that we communicate. There are many times that others will come to us with problems, with needs, or with conversation.

It is in those times that we practice listening with empathy. This means turning our communication practice around and seeking first to understand, rather than first to be understood. This puts the power in the hands of the other person, the power to communicate their feelings. The responsibility then lies with us to accept, and understand the source of, these feelings.

Feelings (and perceptions) are interesting things - they are never “wrong”. Even though you may not agree with someone’s feelings or perceptions of an issue, their feelings are correct for them. As an empathic listener you must create for yourself the ability to understand the position that this person holds, in order to effectively communicate your own position.

The Negative Power of the Autobiographical Response

Empathic listening is powerful because it gives you a look at the autobiography of the person speaking. Unfortunately, our own first response is often to project our own feelings, motivations, and interpretations of the situation onto the other person. News flash: Other people do not think like you do! In fact, many of the people that you will come in contact with over the course of your life and work will think and feel and respond to stimuli as if they are creatures from another planet.

Your own story, your autobiography, provides you with a frame of reference for interpreting the world. It is important to remember that the person you are communicating with likely has not shared that story, shared your experiences. Empathic listening requires that you understand how the situation affects the other person in the framework of their own experiences. When you do this, regularly and sincerely, you create a deposit in their emotional bank account and allow the other person to truly open up and express the fundamental issue.

This deposit creates credibility and trust, a safe environment for this other person to express the real need, the real feelings that they have. Rather than speaking in code because they are afraid to expose themselves, they will speak more plainly because you have accepted an understanding of the situation based upon their needs and experiences instead of yours.

In the book, Covey uses the example of a Father talking to his Son about school. How many of you recall a conversation with your own parents that went something like this:

Child, “I don’t understand why I have to go to school. I hate it.”

Parent, “I walked to school, 3 miles each way, and up-hill both ways. If I can do it you can too.”

We have heard this type of example before but, silliness aside, it is an example of projecting one’s own autobiography onto another. This conversation is going to go nowhere fast, because the parent is not listening with empathy.

Practical Applications

In order to develop this habit, ask questions that promote your own understanding of the situation - questions that probe into the feelings and motivations of the other person. This can be difficult, for you as the questioner as well as for the person answering. Until you make that deposit in their emotional bank account they may not trust you enough to be open.

Ask questions like these of yourself, if the answer is no, ask the speaker to elaborate:

1. Do I feel that this is the deeper problem?
2. Do I believe that this person really trusts me to answer honestly?
3. Do I know for certain the emotion behind this problem?
4. Have I been in this situation? If so, does this person have the same experience that I do?
5. Can I give an honest response based on my understanding of this person’s feelings?
6. Do I understand the basis for this person’s perception of the situation?

These are just some sample questions to ask yourself, you may think of others. I recommend that until you have incorporated this habit into your routine you carry a note card with the questions written down as a memory aid.

Assumptions to Avoid

Your first response when listening to another person may be to frame their problem in terms that you recognize. This sort of interpretation does not foster empathic communication. Remember that this other person does not necessarily have the same experience that you do. To become an empathic listener and communicator it is important to work toward helping the asker find the answer, in terms of their own experience.

Stay away from a responding “I do it this way because”. This projection will cut you off from the trust of the other person. Once you understand where they are coming from, then you may offer a response that is based on your experience, but expressed in terms of the other’s point of view.

Avoid being judgmental. Your own experiences and biases may affect your response. There may be cases of conflict where these very biases are the basis of the discussion. Keep in mind that part of your responsibility is to assist the other person to become an empathic listener as well.

Building the Habit

I ask you to take on three simple activities that will help you administer and adjust to your new habit.
These activities are:

1. Create a Weekly Plan

Take some time at the end of your Weekly Review to plan your activities for the coming week. If you are not familiar with the Weekly Review, click here for more information. One of the basic principles that Covey teaches is that of the Big Rocks. These are the vital commitments that you need to put into your agenda first. Then you have room for the smaller stuff, the “pebbles and sand”. Your Big Rocks for this week include practicing one of the Practical Applications listed below:

1. The next time that you see people in a discussion about a problem or conflict, cover your ears and watch the emotions that are displayed. Picking up on non-verbal communication is a powerful part of the empathic listening process.
2. Make a conscious effort to have an empathic conversation with someone that you are close to (this makes the development of trust easier). Assist them with a problem that they may have, paying close attention to their point of view.
3. Listen to someone that you look up to as a good communicator. Where do they use probing questions to get at the need behind the need?

2. Make a Personal Commitment

Commit yourself to adding one of the above activities to your weekly schedule in order to learn the new habit. Because most new learning is lost the first week, guard against this by sharing. If you have trouble keeping appointments with yourself, get a friend, partner or co-worker to hold you accountable.

3. Teach to Learn

One of the best ways to establish your own understanding of a new topic is to explain it to another person. Pick someone that you can teach the concept of Empathic Listening to, it can be your accountability partner or someone else. This can be a very powerful way for you to improve your listening skills and your ability to communicate clearly.

The content of a meeting should reflect the purpose of holding the meeting in the first place. If there is no content to share or discuss, there is no meeting, just a gathering of people and some wasted time.

The objective

The expectation of the facilitator and the participants should be known before a meeting is scheduled. The planning process that we discussed previously (Effective Meeting Basics - Part 1) will lay out the objective of the meeting, whether it is educational, to solve a problem, or to gather input/feedback on an existing process. The answer to the question, “Why are we assembled here?” must be clearly stated and communicated to the participants, preferably in advance.

The expectation

The result, or return on the investment of time, of the meeting must be something attainable. If it is a training session, the return is a minimum amount of knowledge about the topic. If you are looking to solve a problem, you should come up with a solution, or list of possible solutions. If the meeting is to provide input or feedback, there should be a way to communicate the summary of findings to participants and show its value.

The information

The knowledge that the meeting imparts must be accurate and available to the participants. This information may be used as a reference or foundation for any decisions to be made or actions taken because of the meeting.

The Next Actions

Each meeting should end with a list of action steps to be implemented afterwards, who these actions are assigned to, and their due dates. In addition, the facilitator should communicate a follow-up schedule for each Next Action.

Providing the objective, expectation, and information required for a meeting to all participants in advance of a meeting is a best practice to follow for all meeting planners. This pre-conference information gives the participants the time and the opportunity to:

• think about the issues that pertain to the meeting;
• read, contextualize and assimilate the information;
• make preparations of their own for furthering the goals of the meeting.

The more that information is shared before a meeting, the greater the likelihood of having a successful meeting. The next post in this series will explore the process involved in planning a meeting.

Welcome to part five of the series on how to implement the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People in a Getting Things Done-style system. Because this is a fairly intensive plan to implement, I am writing a series of posts that will guide you through the stages of implementation over several weeks. This will give you a chance to focus on each new habit in your life for one full week before beginning the next one.

Each weekly post on the habits is supplemented by a worksheet to help you start focusing on the new habit.

For those of you who may not have read Stephen Covey’s landmark book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, here is a brief synopsis of the fourth habit: (from Wikipedia)

Think Win/Win describes an attitude whereby mutually beneficial solutions are sought that satisfy the needs of oneself, or, in the case of a conflict, both parties involved.

Habit IV - Think Win/Win

Stephen Covey’s description of the Fourth Habit of Highly Effective People is based on two important concepts:

1. The first three Habits are “Private Victories”, the building blocks of personal growth and development. Being proactive in your environment, practicing the skill of visualizing results, and focusing on the things that are truly important are the core goals of self-mastery. The fourth Habit is the first of the “Public Victories”, an interpersonal skill that enhances your leadership skills.
2. Think Win/Win depends upon the “emotional bank account” that other people hold for you. The emotional bank account is an expression of your credibility, your communication level, and your ability to persuade/influence others.

The Emotional Bank Account

Every time you express your faith in someone else, through trusting them to do their job, or acting on their input, or even just listening when someone needs to talk, you are making a deposit in the emotional bank account that you have with that person. This bank account is a virtual and tenuous thing. It is that person’s measure of you as a person, and of your particular relationship. When you act with integrity, keep your commitments, and communicate clearly you become a depositor.

You can also make withdrawals from that account, and when you do it hurts that person in some way. Being late to a meeting, being disrespectful, acting with immaturity - all of these are examples of how to diminish your ability to influence people in a positive way.

Think about the petty office tyrant in your past (or present), the micro-manager that insists on practically doing your job herself, or that “friend” that you can count on when you are picking up the bar tab - but is never around when you need to clean out your garage. These are the people with low (or over-drawn!) emotional bank accounts. Do they get your trust? Do you put any credence in promises that they make? Can you count on this person in a pinch? I would hazard a guess that the answer is, “No”.

6 Ways to Make Deposits

1. Understand the individual - Like a snowflake, every person is different. Some, of course, are flakier than others. Develop an understanding of what makes people “tick”, play to their strengths and help them to compensate for their weaknesses.
2. Attend to the little things - Small acts of kindness and appreciation go a long way with people. I have seen a co-worker’s attitude turn 180 degrees when I noticed that they were having a tough day and I asked them, “How can I help?” Sometimes they just need someone to talk to, other times they need a little more.
3. Keep your commitments - Be on time to meetings. Complete assigned tasks. Do what you say you will do. This sounds silly, practically a cliche, but it is less common than you think. A corollary is to learn to ask for help. If you find that you are not going to be able to keep a commitment, ask someone to help you. This way those that are counting on you will know that you are not hanging them out to dry.
4. Clarify your expectations/understand theirs - Again, clear communication of the end results of an action as well as the steps to get there enable tasks and projects to be completed successfully. Poor communication or changing expectations creates stress and frustration, enormous withdrawals from the emotional bank account!
5. Show personal integrity - Develop trust and respect for the people you know, and the people that know you. Your personal reputation is the lynch-pin of all of your interpersonal relationships.
6. Apologize for withdrawals - You will make withdrawals from your emotional bank accounts from time to time. Tell them that you know it happened and that you are sorry. Show real sincerity. Ask them how you can learn from the experience so that it doesn’t happen again.

“We have committed the Golden Rule to memory;
let us now commit it to life.”

~ Edwin Markham

Believing in Win/Win

The emotional bank account is the foundation of the fourth Habit. It cultivates a state of mind, and a belief in your heart, that you can and should seek to discover the mutual benefit in all human relationships. Most, if not the vast majority, of your relationships depend on interpersonal transactions that are interdependent upon other relationships. You may have a friend that wants to borrow your truck to help another friend move. If you let your friend down, his friend gets caught in the withdrawal too.

On the other hand, you can make a deposit by not only offering to lend your truck, but offering to help. This can gain a new friend, create a new relationship, and strengthen your current friendship. The moving gets done faster, and everybody wins.

Getting to Win/Win

The Win/Win mind-set can be a difficult path to follow until you develop the skills and attributes that are needed. The first of these is Character - the measure of your personal integrity, maturity, and an abundance mentality.

• Integrity - Can your friends and colleagues count on you? The first three Habits are the tools that you need to pro-actively execute your daily activities according to your deeply-held principles and values. Becoming results-focused aids you in keeping your commitments, and knowing which results are most important and actively working toward them creates a discipline of success.
• Maturity - Having the courage to stand up for your principles while maintaining a sense of consideration for the principles of others is the hallmark of the Win/Win philosophy. Communication is at the core of maturity, in order that you listen and understand the situation completely.
• Abundance Mentality - Believe that there is plenty of success to go around. In our hyper-competitive business culture, this may seem counter-intuitive or even wrong. The truth is, “success” is not a pie of limited size - just because I get a bigger slice doesn’t (necessarily) reduce the size of your slice. Become part of the culture that enables and cultivates this mentality, as opposed to the back-stabbing and sabotage that accompanies a mentality of scarcity.

Practical Applications

Those of you who have been reading since the beginning of this series should now see where the first three Habits have brought you. A brand-new paradigm is in front of you that has the power and potential to revolutionize your relationships. Using the trust that comes from your character will enable you to grow and enrich your relationships with enhanced credibility; open, two-way communications; confidence in risk-taking that can lead to incredible successes.

1. Incorporate Your Weekly Plan

Take some time to discern Win/Win activities during the Weekly Planning of your activities this week. (See the last post for a 7 Habits Worksheet and instructions.) Download this week’s worksheet and brainstorm some ideas for taking this interaction to the next level, making it a Win/Win proposition:

• Clarify the desired results
• Communicate guidelines and measurements
• Allocate resources
• Define the accountability for each party
• Outline the consequences of failing to live up to the agreement

2. Make a Personal Commitment

Commit to the Abundance Mentality. Let go of the idea that others win at your expense, or that your success diminishes another. Pull more people into your circle, your team must get larger in order to have greater success!

3. Teach to Learn

One of the best ways to establish your own understanding of a new topic is to explain it to another person. Pick someone that you can teach the new habit to, it can be your accountability partner or someone else that you have recently added to your circle of influence.

This article series builds on a recent post at Productivity in Context - Getting the Most Out of a Meeting.

Meetings do not happen by accident

Whether you are planning a regularly scheduled staff meeting, a faculty retreat, a product launch planning session, or even a sales conference, every meeting requires careful advance preparation. An effective meeting has an intentional outcome that leaves the participants satisfied with the process that led to that outcome. This series of posts will teach you the basic steps needed to plan and execute a successful meeting.

The basic components of a successful meeting

Three things are needed, at the very least, for a successful meeting - a facilitator, a group of attendees, and a reason to gather.

In order to have a successful meeting, it is important for the facilitator to consider the following list of components:

1. A meeting needs to have an objective that defines the purpose of the meeting.
2. Each participant should understand or have an expectation of what will occur by the end of the meeting.
3. A meeting should provide some benefit for the investment of time to attend.
4. The facilitator needs to create a list of attendees.
5. The physical space for the meeting should be appropriate to the format and facilitate two-way participation.
6. A clear definition of the roles and responsibilities of the participants.
7. An agenda and prepared materials.
8. Define the content of the meeting, and the process to deliver it.
9. Proper presentation skills to inform, influence, or motivate the attendees.
10. An atmosphere of trust and security.
11. Win-win approaches to decision-making.
12. Access to a time-keeper to keep the agenda on track.
13. A method to track and assign Next Actions.
14. A method to follow-up on these assignments and communicate progress reports.

The attendees also need to have a basic understanding of what it is that they are expected to bring to the meeting in terms of information or equipment.

Putting it all together

The reason for having a meeting needs to be compelling. The participants must be able to see that their investment in time to attend the meeting will have a return that exceeds the opportunity cost of attending.

The next post in this series will address the content of the meeting and how to construct it.